I'm Dreaming

I saw Mom again. It seems to happen most often on weekends when I wake up early and go back to sleep for a bit. I guess because I don't have an alarm clock to interrupt me.

In this dream Cheryl and I were trying to round up a puppy that had escaped. It ran into Mom's bedroom and I followed it, hoping it would be cornered and we could put it back in it's pen. (Mom hasn't had a dog since the 1980s and I don't have one, so I don't know where that came from.) Anyway, I went into her room and she was there, in bed. In her regular bed, not the hospital bed, and she was healthy. I climbed into bed next to her and she put her arm up behind her head so I could get close to her.

Me: How did you come back?
Mom: I don't know.
Me: I'm dreaming, aren't I?
Mom: Yes, honey.
Me: When I wake up you're going to be gone again.

Mom nodded and I started crying. I kissed her arm over and over again and kept repeating, "I love you Mom. I love you. Please don't go away." She hugged me closer and I said, "Mom I need to ask you something. Can you hear us? Can you see us? Please tell me."

Everything went quiet. I closed my eyes and waited for an answer. I remember thinking to myself that I needed to make sure the answer was hers and not something I was making up in the dream.

When I opened my eyes again, I was soaring over what I can only describe as a massive courtyard. It was concrete and stone, two levels, with columns holding up a partial cover, and a concrete barrier at the edge of the second level. There were words painted all over the surfaces. The first word I saw was "NO" but then I immediately saw "YES" painted near it. I flew across the courtyard and landed on the second level where I could read most of what was written.

No
Yes
You and I talked about this a long time ago
I know
You need your space
I love you

Suddenly it occurred to me that these words were all the words Mom had ever said to me; all the words of advice, all the words of wisdom, all the words of love, painted all over the courtyard in huge fancy blue and black lettering over the background of the sky with stars and suns and moons and clouds. I was overwhelmed by this realization and I began to sob out loud and call out "Mom!" repeatedly. Everything she ever did for me, all the love, the discipline, the jokes and the laughter, it was all there, and I could feel it in every fiber of my being.

I sobbed so hard in my dream that I started actually crying and woke myself up.

And this makes your heart stronger...

So... THIS dream.

I walked into a room. I'm pretty sure it was a bingo hall, because where else would Mom be right now? There were lots of other people, but I only saw the four sitting at the table in front of me. Mom was on the end and next to her was Dad. Across from them were Cheryl and Kenna. I looked at Mom and I could see her features in detail. She watched me as I approached the table and I saw her face light up. She was wearing the shirt she had on in her Facebook profile picture, which was taken in 2006 or 2007, whichever year it was that we gave her the surprise birthday party.

Me: How did you do that?
Mom: How did I do what?
Me: You know what.
Mom: When people die you don't lose them. They don't go away.

The scene changed and I was sitting on a bed next to Mom. She was explaining some kind of machine to me as I was trying it on. It consisted of an oxygen tube with some kind of box that rested on my chest.

Mom: And this makes your heart stronger.

Then she was gone and I was talking to a man who was a medical professional. I don't think he was a doctor. I got the impression that he was either a physical therapist or a respiratory therapist.

Me: So that's what happened when she died?

And then I woke up.

When people die you don't lose them. They don't go away. And this makes your heart stronger.

Dawn

This poem is one that Mom wrote several years ago. She won a writing contest with this piece and I now have this poem on a plaque in my bedroom. When Kenna died, we had this poem printed on the back of her memorial booklet, and it was on the inside of Mom's memorial booklet. The pastor read it at her funeral, but I can't remember if he read it before I read mine or after. I think it perfectly sums up who my mom was: a deeply spiritual woman who appreciated the little joys in life.

"Dawn"

I walk at dawn through meadows gray,
to see the sunrise on the hill.
This is my favorite time of day,
when all is quiet; all is still.
And at first light in the eastern sky,
I hear a rustling in the trees.
I hear a brook go chuckling by,
and whispered prayers upon the breeze.
And as I feel the first warm ray,
A bird sings out from winged flight.
He's singing to announce the day,
and bid farewell to fading night.
The sounds of dawn bid me, "rejoice!"
They're echoes of the Master's voice.

- Shirley Love

As a side note, I have always heard Mom's name not as "Shirley Love," but as "surely, love."  She had so much love and she shared it abundantly.

I saw her this morning just as I was waking up. In my dream I was at the municipal swimming pool, talking to some people I knew from junior high and high school. I looked up and there she was at the other end of the pool. She was younger, probably in her late 40s or early 50s. Her hair was in the curly perm she always wore back then and she was wearing her glasses. She was looking away, possibly reading something, and her entire being was out of proportion from the scene; she was ten times bigger than the rest of us. Larger than life. I said, "Oh my god, that's my mother!" And just as I was about to run through the water to join her, I woke up.

How apropos that Mom visited me at "Dawn."